EEP! There are mice on my boobies!
by The Mighty DYLDO
Summary: I wrote 2 chapters, then realised it was going to suck. Sorry. Um... Won't ever be finished. My next story WILL finish, or so help me I will be struck down by Odin himself. Or Thor. Thor has a bigger smite rating.
1. Chapter 1

_My name is Ran Gordae._

_Or at least… That's what I'm meant to call myself now. My real name was only used in my original dimension, so… Yeah. While I'm trying to get home, I'll be the Gordae and not the Smith I once was._

_Now, I'd better explain who I am, I suppose._

_I have:_

_Brown Eyes_

_Brown Hair [same shade as eyes, but a few shades darker in the winter.]_

_Slightly tanned skin [as a result of family lineage on one side coming from hot countries]_

_A bit of a belly [as a result of a little too much sweets and suchlike when I was a little boy… Which I never got round to losing, not out of laziness, but actually out of a lack of desire for the pain and smelliness of exercise. I do occasionally go for a run and sometimes practise my karate though.]_

_A bit of muscle [Although I wouldn't win any strongman competitions, I could beat the average person at arm wrestling, and my kicks are lethal. I guess this is well hidden since most of the fat on my is around my waist, so that area has no muscle feelable, whereas my arms and legs and chest feel pretty tough. This really doesn't explain how I look very well, except it gives the impression of a really buff guy with one of those floating donut thingies people ride on holiday on his waist under his clothes.[big clothes, eh?]]_

My tale begins a long time ago, at least, so far as in the time in my dimension ran…

It was 2009. I was writing a story in my bedroom whilst a thunderstorm was raging outside.

Naturally, eventually a bolt of lightning hit something electric, broke every fuse in my house, and some of it went into my computer.

I already began to suspect that something was wrong, since the power was out, and, since I had pretty much fucked up my laptop's battery, my laptop should have died immediately.

I waited.

Nothing happened. The battery reading was still "full".

I decided to ignore it, and keep on writing.

Eventually… I finished my story, very quickly.

Then the odd things started to happen.

My computer went totally black, and began to scroll across with green text, almost like the first scene we see with Neo in the first Matrix movie.

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

"What the heck?" I asked, looking at the onomatopoeic words forming.

SMACK. SMACK. ….

.

Then it stopped for a moment.

HELLO. YOU ARE CURRENTLY BEING DIVERTED FROM YOUR REGULAR PROBABILITY AXIS, AS A PART OF A MEASURE TO SAVE REALITY. PLEASE HOLD, AND WE WILL PUT YOU THROUGH TO YOUR NEW DIMENSION SOON.

"Wait, what? New dimension? Probability? Shit. Alternate universes!"

I got up out of my chair, and quickly moved.

Just as I got up, the screen changed again.

PLEASE WAIT. OTHERWISE, WE MAY HAVE TO RECONSTRUCT YOUR BODY, AND WE MAY NOT GET YOU ENTIRELY HUMAN, SINCE WE HAVE LITTLE EXPERIENCE WITH YOUR VERSION OF EARTH'S HUMAN BEINGS ANATOMY.

I fled.

Then everything went black in the real world.

Streams of text and numbers were whizzing around me, and the floor gave out beneath me.

However, I didn't feel like I was falling. More like I was floating.

Some text floated n front of me.

SORRY ABOUT THIS. APPARENTLY, YOUR UNIVERSE IS DUE FOR ANNIHALATION, BUT THE SHIP'S COMPUTER DECIDED TO RESCUE YOU, SO HERE WE ARE…

"Where am I? Also, wait, what the fuck, my universe is getting destroyed?"

HEH. YOU'RE CURRENTLY IN MY COMPUTER, I'VE CREATED A MESSENGER ACCOUNT OF SORTS FOR US TO BE HAVING THIS DIALOGUE.

YES, YOUR REALITY IS BEING DESTROYED. AMUSINGLY THOUGH, IT IS BY A RACE FROM A REALITY YOU CONSIDER TO BE FICTION.

I considered this for a moment.

_Why do I get the feeling that it's going to be Vogons?_

THE VOGONS OF VOGSPHERE. THEY DECIDED THAT YOUR REALITY WAS… APPARENTLY, DESERVING OF DESTRUCTION, AS NO SYSTEM IN YOUR UNIVERSE HAS MADE CONTACT WITH ANY OTHERS YET, AND THUS IS CONSIDERED TO BE WILD ANIMALS TO BE HUNTED BY THE GALACTIC COUNCIL IN THEIR UNIVERSE.

"What? That seems… Not very Douglas Adams-ish."

… WHO'S HE?

"The creator of the Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy series?"

… I THOUGHT IT WAS EOIN COLFER?

"Nah… He wrote a sequel to the main books, called 'And Another Thing'… It doesn't compare to the originals…"

INTERESTING. SO…. BASICALLY IT WAS FANFICTION?

"Yes."

There was silence then, as the text swirled around me nonsensically.

Then something occurred to me.

"Wait, so everyone I know is dead?"

PRETTY MUCH. AS I SAID EARLIER, SORRY. IF IT WASN'T FOR THE COMPUTER DEMANDING YOUR RESCUE OR IT WOULD STAY THERE FOR THE DESTRUCTION, THEN YOU WOULD ALSO BE DEAD.

"Why couldn't you save anyone else?"

BECAUSE… ALTERNATE UNIVERSE. YOU GUYS ARE MEANINGLESS TO ME, AS FOR EACH ONE OF YOU I SAVE IN THIS WORLD, YOU ALSO DIE IN ANOTHER. I PREFER TO LET THINGS TAKE THEIR COURSE… AH, GOOD. THE TELEPORTER IS READY NOW.

"Teleporter?"

YEAH, I'VE SOUPED IT UP A LITTLE, SO IT CAN TURN DIGITAL CONSTRUCTS, LIKE YOU RIGHT NOW, INTO ACTUAL BODIES.

"So… I'm not real?"

DEPENDS ON YOUR DEFINITION OF REAL, BUT… YEAH, YOU'RE ABOUT AS REAL AS A CHARACTER IN THE SIMS…

"Urgh, don't you dare put me in a swimming pool. Beam me up, Scotty, so we can talk face to face."

HMM. WE MAY HAVE A PROBLEM TALKING. DO YOU MIND IF I CREATE A BABEL FISH IN THERE? IT'S CHEAPER TO CREATE ONE DIGITALLY LIKE THIS THAN IT IS TO BUY ONE… TECHNICALLY IT'S ILLEGAL TO MAKE LIVING VERSIONS OF CONSTRUCTS LIKE YOU, BUT SINCE YOU WERE ALIVE BEFORE, YOU'LL BE FINE.

"Illegal?" I asked, quickly realising something important, "But wouldn't that mean the Vogons…"

HEH. THOSE CRABSMASHERS WON'T BE ABLE TO CAPTURE US. WE'RE IN A CLASS-Z PURGU HYPERSTREAM YACHT. ONE OF A KIND. SURE, THEIR SHIPS CAN TRAVEL BETWEEN UNIVERSES, BUT ONLY MINE CAN CONTROL WHERE I AM INSIDE OF IT.

"So… You don't have an Improbability Drive or anything like that then?"

URGH. DUDE, THERE'S ONLY ONE SHIP WITH AN IMPROBABILTIY DRIVE, AND THAT'S THE HEART OF GOLD. DIDN'T YOU READ THE BOOKS?

"Hmm. Strange. Most fanfictions assume they're common, when they mention it."

WHICH IS WHY THE FANFICTION OF HITCHHIKER'S IS RATHER LAME IN COMPARISON WITH THE ORIGINAL WORK! NOW… I'VE GOT THIS THING READY… PREPARE TO WAKE UP ONCE AGAIN, RAN!

"Ran?"

OH, IT'S A NAME THAT'S BEEN RATTLING IN YOUR BRAIN FOR A WHILE… SORRY BOUT THE BRAIN SCAN, BUT I HAD TO, SINCE I HAD TO DIGITALLY ENCODE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IN…

"Ran… Hey, that's what I used to call my character in KOTOR! Ran Starcross! But… Starcross is rather lame outside of that situation… How about…. Gordon, or Gordae?"

RAN GORDAE? HMM. COULD WORK. BESIDES, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE CALLED GORDON. I KNEW A GUY, AND HE WAS STRANDED ON A PLANET FILLED WITH FLASH GORDON FANBOYS AND FANGIRLS. HE WENT CRAZY IN TWO DAYS, AFTER THE HOWLS OF "GORDON'S ALIVE?" AND THE FLASH SONG KEPT ON OCCURING AROUND HIM.

"…Just rematerialise me, alien!"

AS YOU WISH… APE-MAN.

Then came the most horrible pain I had ever experienced.

**You may be wondering who our rescuer is? Well… It's not who you think. I was indeed originally going to make it be Zaphod, as the final line there suggests, but… Yeah. Zaphod just HAPPENS to rescue another human from being destroyed by Vogons, and somehow is intelligent enough to say all of the above? [Zaphod would have stuck in a few zarks and froodys and so on in there to jazz it up, and have insulted Ran earlier.].**

**So… Howabout until the next chapter, we call our phantom rescuer PR, okay?**

**..**

**This chapter was going to be longer, explaining why the Earth was to be destroyed, using the idea that the Vogons were still attempting to destroy all versions of Earth in all realities, but then I decided that making it a training exercise for the Vogons would be slightly more personal for Ran, since the fact that it is his homeworld doesn't matter… It was just a target for them.**

**Oh, and yes, they destroyed his entire universe, Every galaxy, every star.**

**An experimental weapon the Vogons call the "Signal of Peace", which was a part of a particularly horrid poem by a low-ranking Vogon on the original Yellow Ships that struck Earth in the main canon.**

**The Poem, by Rong Vay, goes as follows:**

**Oh, Signal Of Peace,**

**How I fire you in the air!**

**And when the pzoobits come with their fleas,**

**I give them a scare!**

**They die with a bit of a grunt,**

**Especially the smallest one, he was just a little runt!**

**And so all the Whos upon that day,**

**Gave thanks to the Grinch who killed them all!**

**It can be noted that Rong Vay was slightly deranged, even for a Vogon, and occasionally made references to Dr Seuss's work, even though he had never read it until the day he died, which, unfortunately, hasn't happened yet, but apparently, on his deathbed, a person gave him a copy of the book to make him get his references right for his final words.**

**His final words were reported to be "Ouch my throat really hurts, please stop strangling me, I am not the same Vogon I was".**

**To be fair though, he had just poisoned all the others in the ship as him, and was attacking them all with a piece of roast beef, using various shadows on the ship to jump out and knock people out.**

**He killed 2 people before he was strangled to death. **

**No-one really missed him.**


	2. Introducing: Vex

I materialised into existence, something which was rather more awkward than Star Trek suggested.

Imagine how painful it would be for each and every nerve ending in your body to be exposed to cold air, just for a second, before your flesh enveloped it and protected it once more.

It was an odd sensation to feel one's brain forming, but it felt like a strong itch, as though someone has lightly stroked my head.

I saw a lot of blood form, and then get pulled into my system.

My eyes then came, which was rather odd, since I could see what was happening anyway…

_Hmm. Perhaps I can see things as a disembodied soul… Ah well, eyes are coming now…_

My eyes slotted into place, rotated a bit. My vision became more restrained, but more like it was when I was ordinary on Earth.

I noted that they were slightly more powerful than my original ones, since I didn't need glasses to read writing on the wall on the opposite side of the room.

Arms grew hair quickly, and so did my legs.

My genital regions seemed to be exactly as they were on Earth, something that was rather worrying, if one thought about it, since that would mean that this alien's computer has a perfect image of me naked on it, which, judging by the sheer amount of Douglas Adams-ery going on, would probably be uploaded onto the equivalent of the internet as some kind of pornography, in some attempt by the universe to humiliate the mundane human that has been rescued from death by Vogon by a mysterious alien…

_Great. I'm a parody of Arthur Dent. Hmm. Now… How many bets that this alien has something odd about them, possibly on the head… Oh, and instead of a cheerful Eddie, we'll probably have a really insightful to the point of prophetic Windows-esque computer… That's what I would write if this was my story…_

_Hey, how come I don't feel sad about all the people who are dead?_

…

_Hmm._

_Really, I don't feel anything for any of them._

_Mum, Dad, they're dead._

_That girl I lost my virginity to, dead._

_Welsh Teachers… OH YES THIS IS AWESOME HAHA THEY'RE DEAD!_

_MacDonalds, gone. No-one will ever be able to get a large Big Mac meal with a chocolate milkshake and a Smarties Mcflurry ever again. Well, at least from my universe._

_Hey… My universe… So, surely that would mean that there is an identical universe somewhere, where everything is the same except some tiny, ignorable detail, right? So, I could go home, albeit to a different home… Different except the same._

_So… No-one gets hurt "except the ones who are dead, but there's no point crying about them right now, and we made a neat gun and we had some fun, and here we are, still alive…"._

[**Author's Note: Sorry, had to add what I remember of the Portal end credits here. Just seemed silly enough to put in.**]

I shook my head, and saw that my body was complete. The machine I was in was sort of what I would expect a cryogenics chamber to look like, but then again, the purpose of it was different.

_A teleporter, right? I always did think the panels in the teleport room in Star Trek looked silly… You'd need an insane amount of computational power, which, albeit is feasible, technically is silly, when you could place people in capsules, like this._

I opened the capsule with a sharp kick, hurting my toe in the meantime.

As the tears stopped flowing from my eyes, I saw some movement.

There was a green creature moving around, fast enough to be at the edge of my vision.

"Um… Hello? Are you the person who rescued me?" I asked, feeling anxious. The conversation over his messenger program seemed strained, as though he didn't want me on his ship. He did mention that it was his computer that wanted me aboard, not him, which suggested an AI was on board, which made the decision for him.

The green blur passed by me again, but this time stopped for a nanosecond in front of me, leaving a piece of paper and what looked like…

_Those clothes… Are they… Oh my. He must've read my mind when I was still digital._

_The robes of Darth Raan. I created them, for the purposes of being used in Star Wars Knights Of The Old Republic. Long robes, which cover a lot of the body, but capable of being swished back like a cape. Small red bits here and there that never made it into the game, representing the blood of my foes._

_And… Oh my. He even included… The symbol._

The symbol that was engraved on a small metal button on the front of the robes was a simple one, but it represented my victory in a nightmare long ago.

_Two small circles above a larger circle._

_The gigantic Mickey Mouse. I struck him down to the ground and defeated him. I forgot I was going to put this on the robes, as a little signature. Heh. I had really weird nightmares when I was little… Too graphic for such a young child._

I put on the robes, since I was beginning to shiver slightly, and not entirely from the cold.

I picked up the paper and started to read.

_**Ran,**_

_**I am currently trying to lower my own biological speed so that I can converse with you. Please bear with me a little longer, I'm currently in a rather… hyper… state since I had to deal with a bunch of interdimensional mice in order to save you from your version of Earth.**_

_**By the time you've finished reading this letter, I should be in a state in which your mind can process without having a headache. In case you do get a headache though, there is a small handtowel in your right pocket. Suck the yellow end for paracetamol, okay?**_

_**Not really yours, but still sincerely, **_

_** Holt, [call me Vex, it's much easier to pronounce, and is a little embarrassing for everyone to say the first words my mother said when I was born when addressing me.]**_

I laughed at that last bit,

The green blur appeared in front of me, but it was obviously trying to slow down, but it was still vibrating quickly enough for it to be blurry.

Eventually, features started to become visible.

Vex, as I had started to think of him, was basically a human with very small horns coming out of his forehead.

I opened my mouth to say something, but he spoke.

"It's the horns, isn't it? Every time I find a planet which Bezel has been to in its deep past, they always remember the horns…"

"Huh?"

"Bezel? The Bub with the Dark Ship? My brother?"

"Bezel… Bub… Oh, Bezelbub! He's meant to be some kind of demon/devil on Earth!"

"…Yeah. He's been to a lot of iterations of your planet… Apparently, he likes the confusion between himself and the other horned gods on your world… There's Pan, which seems an odd name for a god… I'd never name a deity after something you fry eggs in… There's that one in that religion that has yet to start a war, isn't there, what's it called…."

He pulled out a very familiar book for anyone who has viewed the television series of Hitchhiker's Guide.

It lit up, and on its obviously LED-based screen, a few hundred symbols and images flashed past which pretty much summed up Wicca.

"Wicca, a religion found on Earth, originally started as a bet on the planet Hjakuak. Legend says that a Horensil by the name of Fgahjohd bet another Horensil by the name of Fgahjokd that he couldn't create a religion on some minor planet that creates huge wars.

So, eventually, the two Horesilae came down to Earth, with an entourage of beings that looked vaguely spiritual, but, in fact, were actually stuffed winged humanoids and old hunting trophies.

Fgahjohd created Christianity, something he was very proud of for the two seconds it took before he got bored of it.

Fgahjokt created Wicca, Buddhism, and a really secular religion which mostly involved a bunch of monks meditating and practising martial arts. The secular monks eventually just became Buddhists to simplify matters with their neighbours.

Fgahjokt time travelled across Earth's history, and occasionally helped out holy men and people in danger, using various disguises to prevent his non-Earth heritage from freaking out the humans.

Eventually, after ten minutes worth of meddling across all of time as a disembodied voice and as a burning shrub, Fgahjokt also got bored and went home.

Technically, Fgahjohd won the bet, since Christianity did make the most wars, especially with the religions that were on Earth beforehand. However, eventually as the humans reached the stage which most non-Earth beings considered to be their planet's teenage years, in which space travel and such started, towards the 20th-21st century, religions began to die out, and it was the peaceful religions that lasted the longest.

Fgajohd is said to have killed himself at the hearing of this, which is just as well, since Fgajokt was burning the ship they were on as an insurance scam at that moment.

These events happened in probability axis 442 to 99912, by 22213X Persei GOOMAGOOMAKARAKOOA 10032100Y.

See also:

Bezel, the Bub.

Wahey Yeh.

LahAh

The Spaghetti Monster

Elvis Presley"

We were both silent after that.

Then I had an urgent question.

"… Can I get one of those?"

"Huh?" Vex said, his horns turning pink, presumably in confusion.

"A Hitchiker's Guide. Where would I have to go to get one? Preferably a researcher's one."

He quickly tapped some keys on a nearby computer

"… Well… I've been avoiding that region of this universe for a while ever since they released the new version, V 2.5, but…. We might be able to get a classic one in another dimension… But… I'd like you to promise something to me."

"What?"

"The universe we are going to has a version of Earth. I'd try to avoid it, but it's simpler to go to the nearest probability axis than go to a specific one."

"Why should we avoid it?"

"Because… It's almost identical to yours. Except one really crucial point. Most interstellar travellers avoid that version of it unless they intend to settle there."

"Why?"

"Because… It has magic."

"MAGIC?" I said, feeling every nerve in my body suddenly tighten in excitement.

"… Tell me, is there any books in your world, by a Miss Rowling?" he said, looking incredibly embarrassed.

"Why?"

"…"

"Tell me!!!"

"… I kinda told her some of the story of me going through school, okay? She was kinda hot, I met her at a party, she told me her life story, I told her an altered version of mine!"

"… So you've beaten a giant snake?" I asked, understanding dawning.

"Yeah. A real life Basilisk. Was a fugging bastard to kill, I can tell you that. However, the building I was in had a really good air conditioning system, and since reptiles are cold blooded in most realities, it died quickly when I jumped the juice a bit. I think she got the idea of wands from my description of my old electromagnetic screwdriver."

"… So… You're the real Harry Potter, then?


End file.
